Dear 2020,
A lot of people are angry at you and are rejoicing at your exit. They see all the natural disasters, the global COVID-19 pandemic, the protests and political unrest, the economic problems, the increase in division and anger and they blame you. They hold out hope that 2021 will be kinder, that some magic will occur at the stroke of midnight shooing out all the difficulties and ushering in sunshine, rainbows, puppies and ice cream.
Of course, you have been an unusually difficult year, not just for some, but for all. I’ve had my share of heartaches and headaches because of the trials you brought with you. I miss people and places that have been inaccessible to me for most of the year and I long to return to familiarity with family, friends, my church community, the temple, etc.
However, you have brought many unexpected joys, some life-changing, some simple and I can’t be as mad at you as some others. Of course, I haven’t lost what others have lost, so I don’t blame those for whom this year has been truly devastating for being happy to see you go. I’ve had years like that myself. But while for so many in the world 2020 seems like the worst year ever, I am left feeling mostly grateful for what you have brought into my life.
I feel incredibly grateful that I have been able to work from home since mid-March. So many people have lost their jobs, so just to still be working is such a blessing, but working from home has been an even greater blessing. It has allowed me to work a more flexible schedule, spend more time with my family, accommodate doctor’s appointments and errands, squeeze in exercise, and help my kids with schoolwork. I’m even grateful that the staff at my office received a 10% furlough. Having a day off every other week helped me get schoolwork done and spend even more time with Josh and the kids. I’ve also enjoyed just being in the house and hearing and seeing what the kids are doing throughout the day, even when we aren’t directly interacting. They’re pretty entertaining. And I am grateful they’ve had each other to rely on and play with and that they have largely gotten along quite well.
While travel and adventure have been restricted or impossible most of the year, we still managed to get down to Salinas/Monterey and spend time with my sister Jen and her family before they moved back to Utah. We didn’t get to go do and see the things we hoped we would be able to, but I cherish the time we had together.
Katie, Fitz, Jane and I also had two great adventures with my sister-in-law Doreen — a day trip to San Francisco and Santa Cruz (with Anna, Lukas and Josselyn) and a trip to the Big Trees (with Josselyn) where the kids got to see and play in real snow for the first time in their lives. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate Doreen for spearheading and planning these fun days for us and for the opportunity to get out and see some of California’s beauty throughout the year, as a reminder that even though there is so much to dislike about living here, there is a lot to love too.
We also have been greatly blessed by getting Charlie approved for In-Home Supportive Services and for Josh being able to be his caregiver. This extra money has replaced the income I lost when I was put on furlough (it goes a little beyond that, actually), allowing us to easily stay afloat. Josh was also blessed with the highest-paying commission he has ever had and completed the beautiful piece right before Christmas. The money allowed us to have a nice Christmas, to be generous with some loved ones, get a couple of pieces of equipment Josh needed and put a little aside into savings. And Josh truly enjoyed doing the work, which is always nice.
We read the entire Book of Mormon together as a family this year and I read it on my own as well. Being able to read these scriptures, written for our day, during this year was especially meaningful and powerful. And I feel so grateful that each of my kids has now read the entire Book of Mormon and for the peace and power that has come into our lives as we have read together. I am grateful that my kids still read and have song and prayer even when Josh and I go out on dates. I am grateful that they remind us that we need to do these things on the random occasions when Josh and I lose our focus on these activities. I’m grateful for our simple home church meetings, that Josh has been able to bless and pass the sacrament each week, for our Come, Follow Me lessons, even when the kids complain and are uncooperative. I am grateful for the two times in the fall when we were able to go back to church for Sacrament Meeting and see at least some of our dear ward family and that I was able to say goodbye to a sister I dearly love before she and her husband moved out of state.
Despite the distance between us and my inability to maintain communication with most people during this time, I have felt so much love from so many, especially around the impending birth of our 6th baby. Family and friends have been incredibly generous in gifting us baby items, desperately needed since I off-loaded all of my baby stuff years ago. I had a wonderful baby shower in October, thanks to my mother-in-law Linda, Doreen and Josselyn and my dear friend and neighbor Lora McConnell. I got to see a handful of sisters from the ward as well as my best friend Farrah and it was so nice to feel a return to normal for just those few hours in Lora’s backyard. I’m also grateful that I was able to have a Zoom reunion with my friends and former colleagues from CDA earlier this month and with my high school friends earlier this year.
I’m grateful that we are living through this pandemic in 2020, instead of 1920. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be to be at home without all the technology that lets me connect with family and friends, without Zoom work and church meetings, without Amazon, without Netflix and Disney+.
Somehow this year I managed to complete three semesters of college and I now just have one semester left before I graduate. Not only did I finish the semesters, but was largely able to keep up with assignments and finished my classes with good grades. I know that what I have been able to do with school is only partly through my own efforts. I have felt the Lord supporting me so much during this time and have seen how His promises to me have been fulfilled over and over. I received a blessing last fall as I was contemplating going back to school where I was told that the Lord would remove the obstacles from my life so that I could finish school. There have been so many ways in which that blessing has been true. It has been a great reminder as well of how God has stepped in and removed obstacles all throughout my life, how He has eased my way and made impossible things possible.
Of course, the biggest blessing of all was the most unexpected, my little Jerusha Michelle. She isn’t here yet, but she’s been with me through most of the year. While there have been some minor frustrations and irritations typical of pregnancy, I have mostly loved having the opportunity to once again participate in the creation of life. I am quite aware that not everyone gets that privilege and I feel more grateful than I can say that I have gotten to be part of the process six times. But more than that, I am just so grateful for her, for my little Rue. I love being a mom, I love getting to know my kids and seeing them learn and grow. I love seeing who they turn out to be. I love everything my kids teach me. I love getting to know these people who have become my favorite humans and who bring me so much joy. I have no idea what Rue will be like and I feel so excited about getting to learn all about her and to see who she is and who she will be. I’ve always loved babies and little kids, so it’s fun to think about experiencing all the fun that comes with having another little one, but I’m mostly just excited about her specifically. I have no expectations for who she will be, just that she is this special little missing piece in our family that we need for reasons I don’t yet know. Maybe she will be my greatest challenge, maybe she will be one of my greatest gifts, maybe she will be both. I don’t know. But I know I feel so grateful for her and that I love her so much already. I’ll get to hold her in about a week and I just can’t wait.
So 2020, I am not mad at you at all. I am leaving you behind me with profound gratitude for the life that my Father in Heaven has blessed me with, more gratitude than I have ever previously felt. You have been a great gift. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jessica
P.S. There are so many other things I am grateful for from this year, but this post would be crazy long if I went into it all. 🙂
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